Now that the title got you here, and you are concerned about my mental health- don't be! I am currently creating online English lessons that involve odd Netflix movies and preparing Liam's social studies work for the week, which will take us far too long, as he will spend 15 minutes avoiding me in the upstairs bathroom, and then another 10 minutes balking about how much it sucks to have a mom who is also a teacher. He is positive the rest of his classmates aren't working like he is! After three days of this, I want to give in him. I'm not even sure if he has brushed his teeth in a few days. I have never wanted to go back to work so much in my life.

What I have seen of the activities in my house, the media, my local Wal-Mart, and IMGUR, we probably shouldn't be surviving this current global crisis. I can't speak for anyone else, but my complacency with myself, my family, and my own expectations has reached a new low. I have not been going to church. I have not been writing, I have not been spending quality time with my kids. I promise you, I'm not -writing this from a bar stool a Max's, but my time has not been an investment in any of my big four- faith, family, friends, and writing (yeah, I know it doesn't start with an F). I have fallen victim to the same monster killing most of us- CONCEIT. I'm running to the beep of my phone. First it's the alarm clock, then attendance bell, meetings, softball, basketball, grocery order notification, dentist, current HBO binge, and then crash into bed. (And yes, I fully admit to being THIS LAME. You should try it sometime. The admission; not the Lameness.....it's Lame, trust me.) I have put myself and my priorities above all others.

I realize that I will not survive this pandemic- the current ME who can't see past the nose on her face. In fact, none of us were meant to survive it- at least those who can admit to being short-sighted like me. This has become one those defining moments meant to change who we are as a society. Just like other depressions, wars, crises in our country and in our world. This has become a giant WAKE-UP CALL that some of us are still missing.

This realization was not a moment or a rock falling from the sky, It began the week of March 2nd. My wonderful neighbors, Chad and Carolyn go for a walk almost every day. They hold hands, they smile at me as I rush in and out of the neighborhood gates like a mad woman. One afternoon, I stepped out of my car and Chad yelled, "Don't go inside!"  I knew what he was referring to- a double rainbow was perched perfectly atop my house. I stopped and talked with them for a few minutes before resuming my crazy. It was a highlight of that day. I love the calming and purposeful way they listen and honestly care about what is happening in the walls of my house. Chad and Carolyn's ability to listen and bring peace onto others is such a gift. It allows me analyze my own harried state. It allows me to wonder why in the world anyone would want to talk to me. But nevertheless, these two people have learned the importance of slow, deliberate living, and it makes me yearn for that as well. The idea that I can't have that because life is too fast-paced for a mom with a family like mine is absurd. If I wanted it badly enough, I could have it. It after the events of this month, I know the Lord believes this as well.

But why don't I try harder for peace? Why wouldn't I want to give something like that to myself? My kids? I know if I am calmer and more centered, I am a better person for everyone with whom I interact. This has always been a struggle. I don't know if it is self-centeredness, immaturity, hyperactivity, but occasionally this part of my personality sneaks up and takes control of my entire being.

How can I get out from under this force? 

This question and the others parts of the story begin to connect this week- the first week we were all home from school:

I decided to wake up early and begin last Monday with my daily devotional, which I haven't done in too long. The message was the same that I had received from my neighbor a few weeks prior. The same message Chad and Carolyn were trying to get me to understand when they asked me to stop and look at the double rainbow with the: Psalm 123:1-4 "Unto You I lift up my eyes, O You who dwell in the heavens" 
When I opened today's devotional I knew the Lord was speaking to me, like he has been speaking to all of us for the past months. I read Mark 4:39-40 “And He got up and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, “Hush, be still.” And the wind died down and it became perfectly calm. And He said to them, “Why are you afraid? Do you still have no faith?”  Now, this is a devotional book my mother gave me, and has no ties with current affairs, it was just from the next page in a book. And just like the Lord does, he reminds me to be calm.

It seems these issues are not mine alone. I am merely a piece of a larger world who is dealing with all these same fears and insecurities. I have been looking down (or rather looking in my pantry or my dwindling TP supply) rather than looking up. I have been focused my my own needs instead of the needs of others. Also God has pressed the PAUSE button for me, and demanded, not asked, that I reevaluate my day to day priorities. I looked up at that double rainbow and clearly missed the significance then, but I'm not missing the significance now.  God promised not to flood the world- he didn't promise not to shut it down and put all of us in TIME OUT.

And it appears this same beast overwhelming me is also taking overwhelming the world. We are focused on our own faction, our political group, our bigotry or our zero-tolerance, when what we should have been practicing is PATIENCE, GRACE (yes those are different), and LISTENING SKILLS. I discovered I need to practice lifting my eyes and being a viable part of our community. I can't do that if I'm running around like a headless chicken. God has told us in so many ways to be His hands and Feet, and He will get us through any pandemic or depression life throws our way.

I won't survive this current pandemic as the same person. None of us are meant to. This is a time of self-reflection, but it also a time of change. Throughout history humans have brought world war, depression, and plagues unto themselves, God has always used those moments of growth. We are not meant to be the same individuals or society at the end of this outbreak.

I have been humbly reminded of who I need to be for my family, my community and myself. I am now humbly asking you to do the same. Lift up your eyes, whether you are a follower of Jesus or not. Stop looking at this quarantine as an inconvenience, but an opportunity to bond with our families. Go to the store not because you are down to your last 20 rolls. Instead, call your food pantry to see what they need.

If anyone else is looking for inner strength, it is not coming from within, it's coming from above.

I'm excited about this online stuff we are digging into here at my high school! For the next two weeks, I hope this experience will help me grow as a teacher and a mother, and I hope to get some clarity and time to put into my current manuscript as well. 

Leave me a message. Tell me if you have any thoughts or goals for the next few weeks. What kind of issues have you been going through?

Or let me know if I can bring you some TOILET PAPER!

You know, these words don't come out of my mouth easily, as most of you reading this know, I think I am great at everything! AND I AM, (But only ask me for verification). And only because I have an awesome set of parents who made everything in my life possible, except my own kids....I'll claim those guys.

A mother's job is never finished, there is no break, off-switch, or days off. Even when the kids are not around a Mother's brain doesn't stop thinking about the list of responsibilities that goes along with said children. And many moms have said the silly phrase, It gets easier as they get older. I laugh at that now. Whoever said those ridiculous words is dead wrong. Its a malicious lie we seem to tell women who are new to the club. And as my babies are growing so fast, and as I watch my fifteen year old eat cheerios and chocolate milk on my new couch, I can't help but question if I was a horrible child as well- surely not!

I was practically perfect in every way. I didn't steal the car, lie about boys, or have a dirty room. I sat perfectly still at church, never raised my voice, and was an angel in school. When I look back at my years as a child and teenager, these are the memories that are most clear. And that's always what my mother made me think.

That was her real magic.

I have learned that's what a good mother does. ​Give their child the self-confidence and courage to take on the world, by not only giving the world to their horrible children but also living their dream. I watched my mother finish her Master's and Doctorate degree while raising 2 kids. I watched her pay bills and problem-solve, and resolve conflicts with her husband. When life launched lemons, she made lemon-aide (just like her mother taught her) I watched her get up every day and go to work.

I never saw the struggle, I only saw the smile. 

As a mother myself now, I know this was not all there was. I have my four children I have realize I was probably not as perfect as I remembered...but that's how it should be. Kids should look back on their parents as the super-heroes who made life possible. It is impossible to hide the daily struggles from our kids, but I know I'm supposed to try- that's part of being a mom. I know I can't take away the ups and downs of life, and my kids shouldn't grow up in a bubble, but they need grow into adults with the strong foundation and self-confidence to take on the  world. They need band-aides that heal, arms that hug, bodies that listen, and eyes that smile. 

To all the Moms who are making it one day at a time,
To all the Moms who are playing ball with their kids,
To all the Moms who stay up late at night waiting for their kids to make it home,
To all the Moms who are rubbing their bellies and have no idea of how their lives are about to change,
To all the Moms who are spending Mother's Day alone because their kids are off changing the world.
To all the Moms trying who think it's horrible I called children ​horrible.

We have some big shoes to fill!

I hate deadlines, Nothing ruins television binge-watching or summers worth of procrastination like a solid deadline. That, and maybe writer's block. But deadline do give way to the most amazing type of day, almost akin to Christmas morning. I'm talking about Book Birthdays!!!!

Only The Guilty Sleep if officially available on Friday, January 26th. 

I am looking forward to sleep tonight....and yes, I'm aware only a few of you will fully understand the meaning of that sentence. I have been told by numerous people that my conversations are quite non sequitur. I understand it's not very polite and a bit juvenile....but its here....another book birthday. And I can take a break!

I am so enjoying all my travels this season. Last week I visited with numerous educators at Region III's Author Round-Up, and also some awesome students at Hallettsville Middle School. This weekend I am headed down to the valley for some more bookfest fun. Looking forward to meeting the students of Morris MIddle School. I'll be a featured author at the McAllen Library's Book festival on Saturday.

Meanwhile, I am finishing up the final touches on Only the Guilty Sleep. 

​I'm exhausted....

The Garcia Sisters have added my cover reveal to their website. On it, a short summary of of my newest novel. Check it out, as well as the other books they have reviewed in their website:

http://garciasistersbookblog.com/2017/07/29/cover-reveal-only-the-guilty-sleep-by-ashley-lynn-dotson/

​

Last week I took two of my crew to Peter Piper Pizza for the afternoon. Now, I am not a big fan of that pizza, but the kids like it. They always seem to come back stained up from using their shirts as napkins, and pizza grease is hard to wash out. But despite my complaints, they like going there. They spend stupid amounts of my pay check on the games in record time. When they get within twenty feet of our booth I grab them and force them to eat the exorbitant cardboard pizza. It's either that, or the wander back sad-faced when they're out of tokens.

Now I am on a new low-carb craze, hoping I can jumpstart my weight loss, and pizza is NOT on the menu. So I opted for hot wings. I go and grab a seat by myself with my magazine, drink, and cell in hand, trying to enjoy the little bit of alone time amidst the blinking lights and constant threat that one of my children might be abducted at any moment. The magazine is a must for any mom to carry. A book can be too engaging, and a magazine allows one to glance up when needed. It's hard to get too lost in a magazine article on recovering an old sofa.

Once the food arrived I decide to eat all by my lonesome and let the molten pizza cool off some. It didn't take me long to realize that hot wings wasn't the most glamorous thing to eat, and should probably not be eaten by yourself if you are the self-conscious sort. With every digit covered in spicy sauce, I waved to a friend of mine who walked through the door- a classy moment for sure. It was only after she and her family walked by that I noticed the large drip mark on my white shirt. I rubbed good and hard, but it only got worse as I was using a dirty napkin covered in my own hot wing goo. I totally deserved my seven-year-old's censure when he ran over to the table. His look was one of disgust as he handed me a napkin saying, "You need this more than I do."

I nixed the rest of my errands, and it was a good thing too. Liam completely forgot to mention I still had hot wing sauce on my face. Thanks, dude. I wouldn't have left him like that. But that's what happens when you hang out with little kids. You end up wearing food.

So what did I learn: First of all, no eating hot wings unless I have a drop cloth. Secondly, wearing white when doing so is never a good combination for one so messy. Most importantly, kids will always point out the irony of a situation, but they won't always tell you when you are wearing your lunch like clown make-up.

I finally got a release date for Black Bayou Road- August 28th!!

This book has been over three years in the making. From the first day the idea took shape until now it has been a complicated work in progress. I'm very excited for all of you to finally be able to read it. Stay tuned for a cover reveal later this summer.